Madonna - Hard Candy

How can I review this album? It's a tough question, considering (some of) my friends read this from time to time and I'm therefore subject to a certain amount of ridicule for admitting that anything about a Madonna album would be redeeming. I'll probably get called a gravedigger for this. Rumours will abound that I spend my work hours looking up grannywhores.com. A year and a half ago I would have probably just called Hard Candy mindless pop-loving drivel (while secretly taking the occasional song for a guilty lash) but times have changed. Everyone now knows I love garbage, and that's pretty much what the Madonna album is. And to be honest, I expected more.

The lineup sounds good enough. Take the formulaic pop grandmother out of the equation and you have the 2006 dream team of Justin Timberlake, Timbaland and Danjahandz grouped with Pharrell representing the Neptunes on his lonesome. That in itself is a good enough reason for any pop fan to give the album a spin. Just don't look at the album cover while you do it. Timberlake/Timbaland/Danja put in an unusually subdued effort. Where Nelly Furtado's Loose and JT's own Futuresex/Lovesounds were fantastic (dare I say it, trendsetting) efforts, the four songs they contribute to Matron Madge's album sound closer to the awfully lazy Shock Value. Hopefully they're saving their best for Keri Hilson's album (what a minx! Her in that Love In The Club video actually shuts me up for 4 minutes). While the songs may sound uninspired, the only one without any redeeming qualities is 4 Minutes. Therefore Pharrell is left to carry the record, as Madonna is obviously a pointless entity. Pharrell sounds as good as he has at any stage this year by trading in the increasingly redundant 2005-2007 Neptunes sound for disco breaks, Senorita-style spanish guitar and the irresistible allure of his earlier, pop-loving funk. Heartbeat seems inspired by Timbaland's own techno-sampling sound, which in itself was probably based on the Neptunes' electronic funk.

I haven't said much about Madonna for a reason. She neither adds nor detracts anything from the record. Her presence is absolutely pointless. The lyrics are toss, but we knew they would be because it's Madonna and it's a pop record. Time is a cruel thing for female artists. Madonna is ridiculed for continuing to perform and tour while the Eagles, another rubbish band in their 60's, are more 'mature' for doing so. However, that doesn't mean that the templates and beats for this album wouldn't better serve a younger, better singer. Although I realise it's terribly shallow to point it out, nobody wants to hear a 50 year old woman talk about sex, parties and best friends. She's failed to pass on the torch where other female artists getting long in the tooth long ago traded in their pop credentials (and popularity) for more mature sounds. Younger artists are doing much more with the 80's revival sound - Madonna would do well to find new sounds and influences and to stop chasing her old successes with diminishing results.

That probably won't happen though.